AKA: The X-Office? The Office Files? The X-Cops Office????????
OVERVIEW
Media type: TV show
Streaming service: HBO Max (paid)
Genre: Comedy, horror, mockumentary
Content warnings: Police (it is a police show)
SUMMARY
We jump immediately into the action. Cuba Street, Wellington (hey, I’ve been there!), about midnight (not at that time, though), where a member of the Wellington Police, Officer O’Leary, is on the lookout. She brings us over to a young woman loitering, but as soon as she turns her head, it’s pretty obvious that she’s got something else going on. She responds to an innocent “are you alright” with… well, profuse vomiting. O’Leary is kind enough to point out that she probably isn’t.
She calls for assistance from her partner, Minogue, about ten metres away. He responds over the radio, telling us exactly how this show is going to be. O’Leary requests the young girl’s name, which is given less like a young girl and more like a woman possessed by a demon that’s smoked a pack a day for about 40 years. Gotta be nasty on her vocal cords, jeez. Minogue touches the woman’s shoulder, who responds by yeeting Minogue several feet into the air, fortunately sending him careening into some nearby bins so he wasn’t hurt that badly. Those tiles aren’t exactly a cushy surface.
O’Leary thinks that was a bit uncalled for, so she arrests, uh, how do I do the right text here… B̯͚̋ͮ͗ȁ͖̫͚̣͖͑ẕ͉̲̘̎̍u̯͍̩̲ͫ̄a͑̈́͋̆ͥͨl͛,̭̝̞͕̫̞͋͊̅ͮͬ͂̑ͅ ̠ͭͩ̏͐ö̮̗̳̐̏f̼̟͕́̇̐̐̋ ̥̦͍̮̖͔̎ͬt̝̻̺̫̪h͎̖ë͊ͯ ̫̞̍̾̔͗ͦU̮n̗̼̫̂̆̌ͦͤh̺̳̥̮͉̘̉̐̐̃ọ̱̿͒ͣͭͮl͕̜͕̜͔ͤ̔̄̅̏̄y̯͕̜ͥͫ̈ͪ̂̓ ̬͖̄͆̀͋̉ͬ̿Ȓ̯̳ͦe̹̱͓̞̗̐ͅa̽̉ͮl̑ͦm̻̤̹͓̎̈́̌, putting her into the back seat. Behind the pair, she glows ominously…
THEME MUSIC! I’ll tell you, the theme music for Wellington Paranormal is perfect. It has that perfect blend of spooky, modern, and silly, exactly what to expect from this very spooky, modern, and silly show. It’s short, it’s sweet, it’s delightful. It really is a microcosm of the show itself.
1:30 am. Wellington Police briefing room. The local sergeant congratulates the officers on a good night of policing, handling various drunks, wearing stolen pants… Wellington’s finest!
After the meeting, the sergeant pulls aside Minogue and O’Leary, through a secret door with a secret PIN (5), which O’Leary is quick to point out is… not a great security measure. We step into what’s clearly a former closet that’s been turned into the sergeant’s little secret room of madness, except he’s not at all mad. He’s level-headed, clever, competent… apparently, nobody else waed to come in here. Given the flying saucer identification chart adorning one wall, it’s not hard to see why.
A quick tour, a review of a couple of files, and we’re onto the current case file. It’s actually rather thorough, containing several accounts throughout the centuries of encounters with B̯͚̋ͮ͗ȁ͖̫͚̣͖͑ẕ͉̲̘̎̍u̯͍̩̲ͫ̄a͑̈́͋̆ͥͨl͛,̭̝̞͕̫̞͋͊̅ͮͬ͂̑ͅ ̠ͭͩ̏͐ö̮̗̳̐̏f̼̟͕́̇̐̐̋ ̥̦͍̮̖͔̎ͬt̝̻̺̫̪h͎̖ë͊ͯ ̫̞̍̾̔͗ͦU̮n̗̼̫̂̆̌ͦͤh̺̳̥̮͉̘̉̐̐̃ọ̱̿͒ͣͭͮl͕̜͕̜͔ͤ̔̄̅̏̄y̯͕̜ͥͫ̈ͪ̂̓ ̬͖̄͆̀͋̉ͬ̿Ȓ̯̳ͦe̹̱͓̞̗̐ͅa̽̉ͮl̑ͦm̻̤̹͓̎̈́̌. O’Leary immediately jumps to the conclusion that this is a joke, something that the sergeant is mildly offended by – he doesn’t joke at work, you see. O’Leary voices her objections to being assigned this case, preferring to investigate something like the stolen pants, Minogue comments that it’s his turn to be attacked by the police dog, but Maaka is having none of it. They’re going to work this case, come Hell or high water. And in this case, Hell might very well be coming…
In the interrogation room, B̯͚̋ͮ͗ȁ͖̫͚̣͖͑ẕ͉̲̘̎̍u̯͍̩̲ͫ̄a͑̈́͋̆ͥͨl͛,̭̝̞͕̫̞͋͊̅ͮͬ͂̑ͅ ̠ͭͩ̏͐ö̮̗̳̐̏f̼̟͕́̇̐̐̋ ̥̦͍̮̖͔̎ͬt̝̻̺̫̪h͎̖ë͊ͯ ̫̞̍̾̔͗ͦU̮n̗̼̫̂̆̌ͦͤh̺̳̥̮͉̘̉̐̐̃ọ̱̿͒ͣͭͮl͕̜͕̜͔ͤ̔̄̅̏̄y̯͕̜ͥͫ̈ͪ̂̓ ̬͖̄͆̀͋̉ͬ̿Ȓ̯̳ͦe̹̱͓̞̗̐ͅa̽̉ͮl̑ͦm̻̤̹͓̎̈́̌ is having a normal one, doing possessed girl shit like climbing the walls. In the main office, our pair quietly discuss their new assignment with the documentary crew, and Minogue directly references the X-Files, referring to O’Leary as being like Scully because she’s the smarter member of the team (by far), and himself because he’s a man with brown hair. The two then enter the interrogation room, where B̯͚̋ͮ͗ȁ͖̫͚̣͖͑ẕ͉̲̘̎̍u̯͍̩̲ͫ̄a͑̈́͋̆ͥͨl͛,̭̝̞͕̫̞͋͊̅ͮͬ͂̑ͅ ̠ͭͩ̏͐ö̮̗̳̐̏f̼̟͕́̇̐̐̋ ̥̦͍̮̖͔̎ͬt̝̻̺̫̪h͎̖ë͊ͯ ̫̞̍̾̔͗ͦU̮n̗̼̫̂̆̌ͦͤh̺̳̥̮͉̘̉̐̐̃ọ̱̿͒ͣͭͮl͕̜͕̜͔ͤ̔̄̅̏̄y̯͕̜ͥͫ̈ͪ̂̓ ̬͖̄͆̀͋̉ͬ̿Ȓ̯̳ͦe̹̱͓̞̗̐ͅa̽̉ͮl̑ͦm̻̤̹͓̎̈́̌ is… doing that weird glowy windy trick from the car again. Minogue clearly thinks she’s not well. A few ominous messages, and Minogue turns to his partner… “she’s scaring me, O’Leary, can you do your bad cop?”
Amazingly, this cows her into submission! Sergeant Maaka enters and starts asking questions… and pop! She’s no longer possessed. Maaka is very confused, and mildly annoyed. This isn’t a case for the Paranormal Unit! He had a whole speech planned and everything! What is he gonna do now? Oh, her possessed face is back, and she rushes the door, before Grudge Girling out of the station. Minogue and O’Leary try to stopher, but Minogue gets thrown, again, before she leaps out a third-floor window. O’Leary wonders aloud if they should jump after her… cut to the stairs.
In the car, the pair discuss the incredible nature of the situation. Neither of them have ever seen anything like it before… but O’Leary is positive that it’s drugs. Minogue thought she was a robot. Dispatch summons them to a domestic dispute wherein the caller requested them by name, and Minogue quietly revels in turning the sirens on. When they arrive, the wife has locked the offendng husband in the garage. Apparently, he was just watching the rugby when he started yelling like he was possessed, which the wife puts down to a midlife crisis. As we enter the garage, ominous light flowing through the door, it becomes clear that it’s not just a midlife crisis.
The husband greets the pair, by name, to their utter confusion. Neither of them know him. He claims to be the same Bazual from earlier, drawing the ire of his wife (“bull[bleep], his name’s Gary”). Bazual does some more possessed girl shit, that weird owl neck thing… and suddenly, he looks fine. Mildly confused. The wife starts acting odd, though… as the pair return to the car to discuss, they see her running alongside – at 50 kilometres an hour, an impressive speed! They exit the car to pursue on foot, but she’s far too quick for them, climbing two fences with ease. O’Leary tries to do the same…
Minogue pursues our suspect through a childrens’ playground, where she shows off some great acrobatics skills, effortlessly scaling a railing and doing a backflip across a bridge, while Minogue warns her about the dangers of running in a playground – in Ugg boots, no less! The pursuit continues, but eventually, Minogue loses her. Until a sinister voice growls his name from behind… and a cute little puppy turns up!
Bazual taunts Minogue some more – clearly enjoying being a dog – before running off. We return to O’Leary, who is stuck on a fence. She claims that she doesn’t normally get stuck on fences, but Minogue knows better. Return to the police station for an interim debrief, Minogue reports his encounter with the potty mouth dog. Apparently, Maaka’s been doing some Googling on this one, and apparently it means “he who brings hell on Earth”. With a meaning like that, I’m surprised there are so many people that go by that name. A whole family, a dog… but Maaka brings some sense to the table, explaining that it’s actually some kind of demonic entity, “possessing” people. Sounds unlikely.
Apparently, Bazual has been tracing a path as they hop bodies, forming the spookiest of shapes – a pentagram, centred on Cuba Mall! According to his research, a group of Satanists based out of the Wellington CBD erected a shrine to Hell itself–hey, wait a minute. Cuba Mall, “buckets of blood”… it’s not…
This is a Satanic monument, people. Having been to Cuba Mall, and played exactly the game they’re playing right now (guess when the bucket tips), I’ll believe that. For at least an hour, our team tries to guess when it tips… and when it finally does, it tips blood! Just then, the bad dog shows up next to a homeless man, taunting Minogue once again. After an epic chase, he finally catches the little mongrel… only to find that the homeless man has been possessed. Minogue, picked up, on the verge of being tossed into a hellmouth, is not very happy with this. Maaka suggests performing an exorcism, but nobody present knows how to do one.
Fortunately, YouTube does. While the team watch a short instructional video on how to perform an exorcism, Minogue is held above the fountain’s pool, which has become a lake of fire. O’Leary takes charge, following the instructions of the video – after some buffering – shouting “the power of Christ compels you!” Amazingly, this works out perfectly. Bazual is banished from the homeless man, the hellmouth closes, all is well. O’Leary is still not entirely sure what caused this mass hysteria, though – drugs in the water? O’Leary and Minogue offer some advice (I don’t think the police are very well-equipped to deal with possessions, based on tonight’s performance), Maaka uses the events of the episode as proof of Wellington’s need for a Paranormal Unit… all’s well that ends well.
DEE’S THOUGHTS
As this is a spin-off from the excellent horror mockumentary, What We Do In The Shadows, it had its work cut out for it. Any Taika Waititi movie is going to be a tough act to follow, even with him at the helm. I’m absolutely delighted to report, however, that this has delivered spectacularly. Full of a very particular sort of humour, I’d be willing to call this downright farcical, in the absolute best way possible.
Overall, I think I give this episode… is this what New Yorkers feel like watching something set in New York? out of ten.
